I sit here feeling completely lost in myself. Change is a part of life, so why do I immediately react with such cautious pessimism? When did I become so afraid of change or taking risks? I can't remember the exact date, but I wasn't always this way. Was I? Surely at least during my later teen years I held some kind of confidence in my decisions and capabilities. Where the hell did that mental mindset go?
I've been working for Gary for fifteen years now. There was a gap of a couple of years when he sold his first company and left. During that time I had a wonderful boss named Larry but for a larger company that never compensated, never acknowledged and he had no power to help me. I was barely getting by at that time and when Gary started up yet another business venture with promises of more pay and benefits I left Larry (sobbing) to follow Gary again.
Here we are again, he has sold the business to a larger company and now; with little notice, is leaving again. This time we are very short staffed, no replacement for him in sight, he's not giving any advice....nothing. What will happen to us? I struggle to keep those worse case scenario thoughts out of my mind.
I remember being a little concerned in the past when all these acquisitions and departures were occurring, but back then I rented, had no children and the economy wasn't in the crapper. Now things are different on all three of those levels.
So back to the top. That inquiry to how my brain works and why I must fight to think on a positive level. I am thankful for all I have. The love I have, the love I receive and the beauty of my children. My life could totally change right here and right now if I could only change my perspective. That's the battle I face within myself - why the hell can't I just break away from the darkness? This isn't my dream job by far and desperately want to find my purpose and live out my dream. Question is: What is that dream? I don't really know. I love to cook, love to write and love being home to create. How do I build a career from that? Where do I begin? How can I pay the bills during this thought process?
Change can be good, even if I do get let go. It will force me to take action and hopefully go in a completely different direction. They say the first step in obtaining your ideal career or purpose in life is to address the barriers that are holding you back. So far, the first barrier that is obvious to me is myself.