Monday, October 19, 2009

Address the barriers

I sit here feeling completely lost in myself. Change is a part of life, so why do I immediately react with such cautious pessimism? When did I become so afraid of change or taking risks? I can't remember the exact date, but I wasn't always this way. Was I? Surely at least during my later teen years I held some kind of confidence in my decisions and capabilities. Where the hell did that mental mindset go?

I've been working for Gary for fifteen years now. There was a gap of a couple of years when he sold his first company and left. During that time I had a wonderful boss named Larry but for a larger company that never compensated, never acknowledged and he had no power to help me. I was barely getting by at that time and when Gary started up yet another business venture with promises of more pay and benefits I left Larry (sobbing) to follow Gary again.

Here we are again, he has sold the business to a larger company and now; with little notice, is leaving again. This time we are very short staffed, no replacement for him in sight, he's not giving any advice....nothing. What will happen to us? I struggle to keep those worse case scenario thoughts out of my mind.

I remember being a little concerned in the past when all these acquisitions and departures were occurring, but back then I rented, had no children and the economy wasn't in the crapper. Now things are different on all three of those levels.

So back to the top. That inquiry to how my brain works and why I must fight to think on a positive level. I am thankful for all I have. The love I have, the love I receive and the beauty of my children. My life could totally change right here and right now if I could only change my perspective. That's the battle I face within myself - why the hell can't I just break away from the darkness? This isn't my dream job by far and desperately want to find my purpose and live out my dream. Question is: What is that dream? I don't really know. I love to cook, love to write and love being home to create. How do I build a career from that? Where do I begin? How can I pay the bills during this thought process?

Change can be good, even if I do get let go. It will force me to take action and hopefully go in a completely different direction. They say the first step in obtaining your ideal career or purpose in life is to address the barriers that are holding you back. So far, the first barrier that is obvious to me is myself.


Holly said...

Aren't we all (or many of us) guilty of holding ourselves back. Although I do agree it is much harder to think about following our hearts and dreams once we have kids, responsibilities, mortgages, etc. and people depend on us. You can do it though...your blog is beautiful and your recipes will find a connection there!
Holly @ 504 Main

Best Wishes, Marie said...

you also need time to think and organize and prioritize. my unsolicited advise is to do a workshop. i (who am the shining example of all for all) have taken 2 franklin covey workshops. "what matters most" and "focus." they are not cheap but also not super expensive. and they are taught almost everywhere.

if you feel like you cannot afford the workshop. you can get it in CD form. i would figure of a way to do the workshop. if not, set aside half a day, no kids, pen and paper in hand and just listen and do all of the exercises that are written.

most cities have a franklin covey store. and they have a great website. and it would all be a write off.

when you are younger, goals are pretty simple. i want to get through school, get married, have kids, and then ...... you need to really go deep.

this is a luxery, to be in this situation. so many of our grandparents were in a more achieving basic needs area. we are so lucky to be able to really go deep and try to see what we want to do, be, have achieve.

every once in a while, my comments will be long.

Nessa said...

Thank you Holly. I do believe my thoughts also go i nthe direction of not wanting to harm the family in anyway - financially. I wouldn't want to be the one to cause us to lose it all. Then again, if I don't try something I may never know.

Best wishes, Marie - remembering the perspective on how others are suffering verses my situation is humbling. Those that have to fight to eat or have shelter and I remember old photos of what our great granparents went through during the real depression. Thank you for the Franklin Covey advice, I will definitely go to their site and see what I can find.

Also, I don't mind at all your long comments. :o)

Claire @ Malta said...

Hi Nessa,
The way I see it you have lots of options open to you... as you said you like to cook, write and create. But you're also smart, woman of the house, and mother... So what if you organise a workshop to teach young newly weds / young mothers how to cook? I'm sure they'll find it useful.
or maybe you could print your recipes. you have quite a collection. or... i forgot to mention pretty with the list above, so you could offer to be a cook on some local tv programme!
Don't be afraid to dream... I know you have responsibilities towards your lovely family, but you can do it!
take care... will keep you in our prayers so that you find the best solution for you and your family xx

Nessa said...


Thnak you so much for your kind words. I have written down everyone's advice and plan to hash it all out. I would have to think that most successful people doing what they love had to start at the drawing table. I also want to set a good example for my children, I don't want them to see that I am afraid to try for my dreams or handle change. Especially Bella, who is very aware of what is going on at times.

Thank you again ;O) Nessa